I'm back!

Okay, okay. So it took me more than two months to fiiiinally settle in to Chicago-living. Forgive me.


Check out my final NY interview. Clap it up for The Kid Skoob. And enjoy!

New Age of Dating

Keep granny's advice at the ready, but get your minds open -- All-En1 responds to the idea of a man shortage, talks about the new age of dating and dishes on cougars.

PS Feel free to holler at him if you see him at Starbucks. If things go well, then g'head and get a sista an iced coffee with a shot of vanilla.

MFeenz Talks Facebook

Sometimes, I sit back and think, man -- why have I been blessed to have so many fine, funny male friends? Then I remember. It's because I'm supposed to serve as an ambassador between their minds and yours.

Yeah, it's true. I mean, what would your life be like if MFeenz didn't step away from MFeenz.com to share some info? I mean, not only did this brother send me to Chicago with the most FABULOUS inline skating/skateboarding gloves sans fingers (cuz that's what make em cool), AND Electrik Red's album ("MMmm ... Muah") -- this guy dropped knowledge about Facebook, phone calls and more. Check out both short clips below. :)

What Men Want ...

Remember that movie "What Women Want," with Mel Gibson?

Yeah, that one.

I suppose the movie folks would have considered making a version called "What Men Want," but it's likely they opted not to, considering that the flick would be all of three minutes long, including credits.

Perhaps just a single scene posted to YouTube featuring a g-string clad video girl balancing a plate of boneless buffalo wings, three cold Heineken bottles and a pair of earplugs on her booty, so as to represent the three necessities required by all heterosexual men:

SEX x FOOD x SILENCE

Sounds simple enough. Perhaps even too simple for me. Being the type of chick I am (never satisfied with simple equations), I asked a couple of the Man Panelists WHAT ELSE should be added to the list.

The Tall, Sexy, Southern Gentleman of the panel (better?) wanted to clarify that it's not just about food, sex and silence ... it's about "GREAT food, sex and silence." And in a surprisingly mushy twist, added, " ... most of all we need you to be our lover and friend. If you can't hang with me and my people, it will never work."

And while those items made me appreciate the tender side of the man species, I decided to ask a few other folks ... and here's a list of what I drummed up:

_ "We need women who complement our egos. notice, not compliment."

_ "Just support, sex, food and silence."

_ "We need a woman to take care of us when we're sick."

_ "I personally need a woman that can hold an intelligent conversation on something other than shoes and shopping or Desperate Housewives."

_ "We need a girl who will stroke our ego when shit's going wrong, and cut us down a peg when our heads get too big."

_ "Sexual compatibility is a must. She doesn't have to do everything you want her to, but if you're into totally different things, it ain't gonna work."

_ "She's gotta be responsive. Sex with someone who doesn't pick up on keys in bed or --just as bad-- doesn't signal at all what they want and expect romantic drama movie scene sex is just deluding themselves. And they tend to be clumsy."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Who cares? It's the summertime. Nobody's looking for a boo! So split that Heinekin and plate of wings with your homeboy, shut up and enjoy the weather. ;)

You Hurt My Feelings The Most!

[If my blog persona had a best guy friend, then he'd be [blacksmith] Wordsmith. True, some of the stuff wordsmith says makes me want to punch him with the might of 10,000 women, but hey, that's only because most of the time there's more than a grain of truth in even the most controversial of his statements. -- Check out this joint from blacksmithwordsmith.blogspot.com about men and emoting, then holler back.]


Despite the title, this entry contains no bitchassness, just the truth. Let me start by saying, I hate feelings [oddly enough, "hate" is a feeling]. I view them as an impediment to clear & logical thought. So, emotions : mind as lisp : speech, in my male opinion. The difficulty lies in the old parental proverb "You can think whatever you want, just watch what comes out of your mouth". Of course, the parentals are usually referring to something disrespectful that teenagers mumble under their breath that warrants a jab to the chest or an object thrown blindly in their direction. In the case of us men though too much emoting is likened to estrogen, which is a direct insult to your manhood. It is taboo to cry unless someone has died or you have suffered blunt force trauma to your testicles. I realize I have omitted some other instances worthy of tears, but the point is unless you are a cry baby (or a woman), tears usually signify you are serious. The tricky part, however, is self-expression.

Females have endless avenues of self-expression because it's a known fact that they emote like Whitney Houston sweats. Men have to exercise a surgical precision when stating what's on their mind. If you say too much, you are being extra. If you sugar-coat it, you are bullshitting. If you yell, you are being crazy. So words must be chosen wisely and tact must be exercised when you speak on a matter. There is increased difficulty when you are discussing matters of the heart. First, let me state for the record that we do have feelings & shit (I added "& shit" b/c without it that statement sounded rather effeminate) . Second, I just wanted to take a quick tally of how many women feel this way:

"I must admit I dont give men credit. I always assume them to be super sexualized beast"
-Female Friend

If you raised your hand in agreement, please slap the woman next to you who had her hand up and vice versa. YEAH! (C) Pastor Troy. It's that assumption that causes the sensible woman (not the scallywag) to immediately have her guard up when she begins dealing with a guy. I mean, we want the cakes, but we're interested in you too... sike. Naw, Naw, seriously, don't assume that's ALL a man wants from you until you discuss it. If the nigga says one thing but ends up lying in the end, well... he's a super sexualized beast and you just lost one. It's OK. But, back to the feelings.

Women operate in the land of emotion. You are taught to embrace them and utilize them to make your judgements (re: female intuition). When men enter that zone, it's unfamiliar territory. And the deeper you get into this parallel universe of feelings (& shit), the more confusing it becomes. Now even if you've been in love before, it's always a challenge when you realize that once again you have given someone the power to play puppeteer with your heart strings. I've said before that communication is essential in a healthy relationship. Well,

feelings + communication = discussion * feelings = heated debate
heated debate* feelings = dumb argument

You see what feelings do to the equation?

Even the most logical man and sensible woman can end up in CB/RiRi interaction (worst case scenario) based on feelings. But the man faces the greatest challenge in remaining calm yet aggressive, direct yet delicate, and a host of other oxymorons. I mean sure, we could say exactly how we feel but that would end up in one of two scenarios 1) man soundin' like a lil bitch or 2) man hurtin' woman's feelings and makin her cry. Double standards are sometimes necessary and in this case, yes, a man should receive just a lil bit more credit for expressing himself than a woman. (Don't blame me, blame society). At times, self-expression is a tight rope walk. You have to find that balance between being eloquent and emoting.

Wanna know why he didn't call?

Before there was the Man Panel, there was just James. My older brother, who was once quite the connoisseur of ladies, blessed me with a myriad relationship axioms and advice about dating. Most of it made me suspicious of the male species in general, but now that even Jay has become quite the one-lady fella, I've begun to think that perhaps relationships aren't all minefields. (Perhaps.)

Anyway, I yanked Jay-Jay up for a little chit-chat the last time I was home. We chopped it up about guys who don't call, what to do when a cat says he likes you, and a bunch of other randomness.

Check out the video up top if you haven't already. And as always, keep the comments questions coming.

Love,

n.harlem ;)

Jesus' Niece

She's uber-intelligent. Beautiful inside and out. In fact, she's no stranger to a photoshoot. She's funny. She can cook a mean lasagna. Oh, and she'll be entering the seminary in the fall.

Yes, the latest homeboysaid question-raiser is a super dope chick. But when it comes to the fellas, she wonders if working for the Big Guy scares average Joes away. I suggested she let me query the Man Panel. Here's what they had to say:

WOULD YOU DATE A CHICK WHO WAS A MINISTER, or studying to be? Would you think twice about hollering at a chick who works for Jesus? Are you creeped out by the idea of putting the moves on somebody deeply involved in the church -- whether it's as a minister, or otherwise?

My DC friend pleaded the Fifth.

the GO GETTA said:

Is she close minded? Do I have to be the same religious affiliation as her? No, it does not creep me out on putting the moves on somebody deeply involved in the church, but I probably wouldn't because I'm assuming she will be close minded about certain things and we would probably butt heads. But I do like that she has goals and a dream.

KILLER CAL said:

"I'd have to pass on Rev. Fat Booty. I do some things the the church may or may not agree with. And if we got together and she didn't frown on them, i'd think she's faking the religious funk.

Plus, I dont give up football on Sundays for anyone."

PAUL WALL responded yes, but his answer was not what I was expecting. He said:

Would I date a minister? -- Of course. -- Preachers, ministers, and pastors are all people too. In fact, one of the freakiest girls I ever dealt with was in seminary school. But the thing is that I don't think it would ever go anywhere. I mean I would never wife her or make her my girl, but we could kick it and whatnot. Preachers are John Legends - "ordinary people".

THE KID, said:

"Absolutely NOT...I'd feel very awkward in bringin up sex, or things that go on during that time. And the little, but crucial aspects of it...haha, so I've heard...lol, like slappin a girls a**, hearin her talk s***, would be VERY VERY WEIRD!!!...Anytime I'd smack her a** or something like that...or hear her tell me where to bust...would feel like I'm committing one of the WORST ACTS IN LIFE!!! ..."

All-En1 (your favorite female minister/homegirl/big girl's favorite dj) chimed in:

Unfortunately I would not date a female in the church as a profession. Not because she's a minister, but because of my personal thoughts of "the church." I wouldn't want to have that talk every day and her trying to convince me every day to come to work with her.

Plus, I don't want to be the guy to get it on in the pulpit in some
wild fantasy. On the other hand ...

And while the NSFW responses made me chuckle, I began to think that perhaps, the Man Panel was more homogeneous than I'd previously realized. Sure, my guys represent a myriad occupations, backgrounds, ages and so on, but perhaps I was dipping in one area of the spiritual-devotion pool. That's when I had to go affirmative action on your be-hinds, and call directly upon THE GOOD REV., who broke my question down and said this:

1. WOULD YOU DATE A CHICK WHO WAS A MINISTER, or studying to be?

I would, and as a minister myself I often wish I had someone who actually cared (or was more invested) in the stuff that occupies most of my time. The tough part about being or dating a minister is that most folks don't understand the amount of time this job occupies. True, it is a job, but you shouldn't think of it like that. It's a lifestyle that makes it tough to balance a personal life. Ministers ALMOST always screw up dating.

Would you think twice about hollering at a chick who works for Jesus?

Because most "Jesus-workers" don't know how to do anything else (that is, have a personal life), I would definitely think twice before kicking something off. But not because she's a minister. Anytime a woman shows DEVOTION to anything, I'm kinda turned on. But she has to be able to show me she has a life outside of church, or every date is gonna feel like she's converting me.

Are you creeped out by the idea of putting the moves on somebody deeply involved in the church -- whether it's as a minister, or otherwise?

Tough question. We're human, you know? And I've learned that most ministers (including myself) or folks who are deeply religious also have a lot of sexual energy pinned up as a result of their higher devotion. If she shows me that she's comfortable with her sexuality then I would certainly make a move...AT SOME POINT lol. If you can't negotiate your faith with a kiss or some "grinding" (a la 8th grade), chances are you're too uncomfortable with your "nature" to engage mine. If I'm into you we will need to touch at some point.

And last but not least, a wonderfully articulate (and backed-up-by-personal-experience) answer from a guy who I'll call MR. THOUGHTFUL:

From my perspective, some men would marry a female minister, but not many. Below are a couple reasons I believe this is true.

First, without considering gender, any person who marries a minister should be serious about their faith. If the person is not serious about their faith - not being overly religious, but committed to keeping God as the central focus of their relationship - they probably won’t/shouldn’t marry a minister. If they do, there is the possibility they may become resentful of the marriage and/or God. When you consider this factor, your number of eligible men decreases.

Second, when considering gender, a man who marries a female minister has to be secure in who he is. In formal ministry, the partner (usually a woman) can be seen as secondary to the minister. This may put uncomfortable pressure on a man who is accustomed to leading or being seen as the authority on matters. This problem is more a symptom of sexism in our society than anything else. Many men today feel being with a strong woman diminishes them in some way. A strong woman who is devoted to God is not an attack on manhood, it is a celebration of God-hood. It demonstrates that God is in us all. Any man who is secure in his significance should not be threatened by this, but they should encourage it. A strong spouse usually is an indicator of… another strong spouse. Having a woman in authority (not just a minister, but a judge, doctor, supervisor, principal, etc.) says a lot about the man who married her. It says he is secure and confident enough to support his woman’s profession in a society that says she should only be supporting his. When you combine this factor with the first, your number of eligible men decreases even further.


Finally, as a minister with a wife who married a minister (duh), I believe marrying someone called by God says a lot more about the spouse than the minister. It takes a person of true humility, self-confidence, and honesty to stand with their mate in ministry. Ministers sometimes get placed ahead of the spouse, but this is wrong. The greatest gift one can give to mankind is to be a servant. The greatest servant there likely will ever be is a spouse (ask anyone married). Serving in a marriage is not a job, it’s a calling and much like a minister, everyone is not called to it (or called to it with you). In this case, there are few men called to do this, but be sure that those who you are considering are serious about their faith and secure in their manhood.

My prayers are with you as you continue to serve God and love others.