Questions for Friday

Hey, guys! I know this blog needs a Fiber Plus pill, because, YES, I agree, the posts are highly irregular. But just to tide you over until I post new material on Friday, I'll let you get a sneak peak at the questions for the week.

And you can answer em, or ask your own (I'll have the Man Panel answer for the next-go-round) down in the comments section.

So, yeah, here goes --

1. WOULD YOU DATE A CHICK WHO WAS A MINISTER, or studying to be? Would you think twice about hollering at a chick who works for Jesus, or is deeply involved in the church?

2. A "DUDE SAYS HE 'LIKES YOU,' then you say you like him, and then he
never calls." WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

3. DO CURVY GIRLS' MILKSHAKES BRING YOU TO THE YARD?

The Man Panel answers these questions, and more ... FRIDAY!

Panty Probation

For various reasons (including self-righteousness), I've been avoiding self-help books of the romantic nature for the past couple months, which means I have no appetite for devouring Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man." I have, however, been indulging in all the Oprah x Steve madness ... at least enough to have zeroed in on the Ninety-Day Rule, or the "Three Month Rule" if you're one of those "Girlfriends" fans, like me, who got slighted out of a final episode. (What the fudge, pepper?! Why?!)

For those of you who are too cool to be hip to Steve or Joan, then lemme break it down to you. Steve's philosophy is that, if even the new employees at Ford Motor Company have to wait 90 days before they receive dental and medical insurance, then it's only fitting that a brotha who's jockeying for a position on the two-player team that is coupledom (or something like it) with you, then he, too, should have to wait at least the same amount of time before you break him off the ... ahem ... benefits.

Now, to keep it all the way funky, giving up the drawers is your business. As long as you're content with your panties-related decision-making, then I say "RIGHT ON!" whether you give up the skivvies in less than a day, or if you wait until the Wedding Day to do it.

This is simply a chance to chat it up with the menz. Because, as you may already know -- booty brings all the boys to the yard. And on the other hand, questions about NOT getting booty has 'em running to the green with equal fervor.

Here's what the Man Panel had to say about the Ninety-Day Rule.



Like I said in the video post, "Mr. Paul Wall" basically said, to hell with the Ninety-Day rule. In fact, he directed me to his blog post which answers the question, "Can I give it up on the first date?" Here's what he had to say:

It’s the timeless question that everyone woman ponders when she has a great first date. And the answer to that question is yes, YES U CAN!

But, you have to do it a certain way, that’s if you actually like the guy and want this to go some where. So let me break it down to you.

Ladies, in order for you to give up the cookies on the first date it has to be what I call the “Love Jones” date. Remember how Darius Lovehall and Nina Jones were just suppose to go out, then they wind up going dancing, then the goodnight kiss turn into the Maxwell being played as they bumped bellies?

The reason it worked is because there was a mutual attraction, a spark, and passion. It wasn’t about getting one off and dipping in the morning, the man made her an omelet the next day (and you know Negroes don’t cook). So ladies, if that man is saying and doing all the right things on the first night and you know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s genuine, go ahead and let your hair down. And please remember Mr. Benjamin Andre’s words from up above.

Wanna read the rest? Click here,but come back soon, ya hear?!

And here's what Mr. Wall thought about the "Wedding-Day Rule" (waiting until after the wedding reception to rock his lady's bell):

No I couldn't wait. Call me shallow, call me a bitch ass nigga, call me WRONG, a heathen or whatever you want to call me, but no I couldn't wait until my wedding night. I'm sorry, I know its wrong. But, I'm also man enough to let you know that sex is too important to me to lie to you and get your hopes up. Shit, I'm not even going to boo another girl up unless she's a half nympo.

I also posed the question to my DC buddy. He's the man panel's only biracial libertarian. Here's what he had to say about sex on the first date:

Well, let's see. First off, it depends on the circumstances of the "first date." Bar hookups? No. Those are doomed from the minute clothes are removed. I have tried to make it work with girls who, er, did me a favor the first time I met them? Bad idea. The one girl had, by the age of 20, racked up Clerks-type (audio NSFW) numbers for going down on guys. This is not healthy, and indictative of an unstable individual. That said, you'd be surprised how many fights can be resolved by a girl who likes to do that. So yeah. Genital contact first day you meet? Hell no. I'm perfectly fine with it, but a healthy relationship is not coming out of it. As long as you go into it knowing that, go for it.

Now, if the first date is with a co-worker, friend, or other person with whom you've had considerable social contact? Then it's ok, because you're not hooking-up with a stranger. Sure, you may not know them that well, but there has been time for there to develop sexual tension for both of you to notice and want to act on. This is dangerous, of course, because you could be torpedoing friendship(s), but needs/desires are a mother and you want to be friends with the person you end up with, right? So this--especially in the age of urban dating--has become my standard dating ritual. (not necessarily on the first date, mind you, but a non-traditional date format). Living in a city, you often find yourself in a group of friends, hanging out doing the same things, showing up at the same events in mixed company, so people hit it off, grab drinks, and then BOOM. hookup. Most of my friends in relationships in my current city developed along this or a similar narrative.

I have tried dating the girl who says she's waiting til marriage--somewhat recently even--because there was an automatic "click" there and I hadn't been giving "nice girls" a chance in recent years. She was open to some things, but I'm a little long in the tooth to be teaching a girl like she was in high school again and it was apparent early-on that she could never be "the one," so even if I got her to the point that she would change her "plan"--which I can say with all due humility I think I could have convinced her to do if I wanted to--it would ultimately be inviting her heartbreak, so I ended it.

There was one girl who made me wait awhile, and I had ended it for other reasons before we got to that point. But we ended up at a party together and I went home with her and we started seeing each other again. She was accepted to law school, and just before she left the city, she finally wanted to do it. I wish we would have had more time, because we never got a chance to get better together.

But that's another story for another time. Nutshell: Yes, you can get a good man if you make him wait a bit, but at your peril. No, you can't get a man by giving it up the first night you meet him. But no, there are no hard and fast rules for when it's ok.

My personal expectation is 3rd date: but I rarely get digits at bars and thus I'm usually "in there" in two since I know her already.

Man, I sound like a ho.

WORDSMITH's Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. V - Ode to the Sensible

[He's a financial analyst with advertising aspirations in Atlanta, AND he's a Morehouse Man. And though you can't take him home to your mama, you can at least check out his blog after you read a re-print of his work right here. The Black Smith [Wordsmith] will change your life with all his southern fried, gourmet word goodness. Enjoy!]




In our quest to enlighten the sensible woman and the scallywag, my colleague and I had the realization that we may have fallen short in countering the negatives with the positives. That’s not cool. Lo Siento. We want to enlighten, inspire, and invigorate the wimmens. So in order to write our wrongs, we decided to dedicate this installment to the Sensible Sexy women of the world. We know Ne-Yo is currently smitten over Miss Independent, but we’ll take Queen Sensible any day of the week. This one is for the breezy* and not the smeezie*.

Cheers 2 U Sensible Sexy Woman:

* Your bra and panties ALWAYS match. And even if it’s not the same set per se, the color schemes are on point. With you, I’m pleased with what you wear in the streets and it’s a treat to see what you got on underneath. [AY! OK! © OJ da Juiceman]
* You can create edible elation with whatever I have in my cabinets, something like a culinary MacGyver. I got bread, cheese, and salsa, and somehow come back with a Ribeye and Crab Oscar
* You have a workout routine for your health and not just to look good for the summer. After a hard workout, you maintain an agreeable glow and somehow you don’t smell like you just ran with a pack of animals.
* Although your dumb ass friends are consistently in your ear, you manage to separate real from fake and don’t let them pollute your mind. Don’t save them, they DO NOT want be saved!
* You embrace and react appropriately to PDA, but don’t feel compelled to relentlessly initiate it.
* You know what it feels like for your feet to hurt, not because you sacrificed practicality for style, but because you've been up all day on your grind. More importantly, you still pass Marcus Graham’s patented foot test! [If you haven’t seen Boomerang, kill yo self]
* You have mastered the subtleties of PDA i.e. the ear nibble, the whisper, the wink, and the lip bite so in the presence of company I can read your mind, I know what you’re thinking…and it’s alright with me (c) Avant
* You may not be in the mood that night [lawry’s] BUT you wake a brother up to early morning hot cakes the next day. Good Mooooornnnninnngggg © John Legend
* When you come over for the holidays you arrive bearing gifts and you leave with a to-go plate that was offered to you.
* You have mastered the art of mature sexy; tailored pants suit CHECK, mean heel game CHECK, dressed appropriately for the weather CHECK
* You keep arguments and discontent for the privacy of home quarters. You & drama aren’t acquaintances and damn sure ain't friends.
* You can be content with sitting home some evenings while reading a good book that elevates the mind and soul. You have no regrets about missing the club...but you will pick your girl up after she has managed to drink her weight in champagne and Patron all because "He (Trapstar, Entertainer, Baller, Random Trickin' Ass nigga) was buying".
* And most importantly…
You know that a grilled cheese is made best with 2 slices of American cheese, slightly blackened & complimented with a side of tomato bisque.

*Breezy [Bree-zee] - A woman of exceptional beauty who possesses most qualities a man is looking for; Derived from her pleasant nature which is comforting as a “warm breeze”
*Smeezie [Smee-zee] - A combination of smut and sleezy; Fellatious woman; femininus scallywageth

The Kanye Philosophy

[**--A NOTE FROM n.harlem: I hit up a journalist from the West Coast, a blogger from the South, an Ivy Leaguer, a Brooklyn marketing exec, an East Coast cat with TV aspirations, a computer guru from the Windy City and a rhyme-spitter from the Midwest _ single, attached and somewhere in between (in no particular order) and prompted them with the following. Four of the eight responses are listed below. Enjoy!]

Hey dude,

I'm working on a post for Stoopidfreshmind.com and you are one of about eight of my closest woman-loving guy friends who I'm asking to participate.

I was flipping through Complex Magazine today, and read the following statement from Kanye "Martin Louis King" West:



I thought the whole "a woman is reflection of you" thing was pretty provocative (or maybe it's just common sense -- but if Steve Harvey wants to act like it's science, then I will too). Yeezi talks about how he was a pretty "untrustworthy" guy in past relationships, and he figures his tomfoolery was what made his chick become a "Paranoid" "Robocop." Blah blah blah.

So tell me what you think: should more men think like 'Ye and act accordingly? ie, If your girl isn't happy, then should you assume it's because you're slippin on your man duties? Are women too dependent on their man to provide the happiness in a relationship? And if so, is that why so many chicks are single? lol

...

Thanks fellas!

* Omen said ... **

I think a relationship is each person's responsibility. If one of the partner's isnt happy, I think its kind of difficult to just group every situation together and say well the man should assume he's slipping or vice versa. It depends on the circumstances involved. I think a lot of women are a little too dependent on their man for happiness and also men can be the same way. I think in general it stems from an idea that when you enter a relationship, your partner should complete you, you know the old love cliche "you complete me."
But, I think people show grow as individuals first and know who they are, and be complete by themselves before they enter into a relationship. As two complete people, only growth can happen, because both people know who they are and aren't depending on the other to play parent. That way the partners truly are partners. Just my two cents ...

* The Kid said ... **

Ok, wow I can't believe that Kanye West would find a way to make a "Relationship," All About Himself!?! No really, but the fact that he says a woman made him believe in HIMSELF...One, I find that hard to believe...Two, If that's true, this woman should be given a thousand paper cuts and showered with Soft Pretzel Salt! Kanye embodies the Egomaniac, so that's crazy that a woman mad him feel that way...But lets get off of Kanye, the man runs to the lime light as fast as roaches & mice run away from it!

As far as relationships go and, what I take from the question, the complete functionality of them, my opinion isn't one of much complication, merely one of simple factors. Before I get into that specific opinion, to address the, "Reflection of You," statement, that is partially correct. However, a "Relationship," deals in a couple, meaning each person is a reflection of their partner. What that means is, if your partner dresses in jeans so tight it looks as if you're in competition with each other, it can be taken that the female whom he's with, has a thing for sensitive men. Which can also say, that the woman in question in this instance, has more of a dominant personality, and a, "Take Charge," type of female. Again, these assumptions can only be made off of the appearance of your partner, and may not necessarily be true, hence it being a reflection, not reality. A man that's with a very soft spoken, quiet, non-combative female, one can assume that he is a fan of women, with little to no opinion on things, and will also provide less headache, or disputes, in his eyes of course. People, as you can see, can be very judgmental, which coincides with the, "First Impressions Are Everything," type of statement. However, I digress...

Relationships can only work if there is a natural chemistry between two people. Chemistry meaning that, this is a person that you genuinely LOVE their company! Not their sex, not their money, not anything other than them as a person. If you can say, I just love to be around him/her, no matter what we're doing, a real foundation has been laid out. Again, this has to be a Genuine & Mutual, attraction between the two people. Often, we hear of women thinking they can change men, Ehh Ehh, bad move, because it most likely won't happen. We do what we want, When we want, sorry to be so blunt, but if I said what you WANT to hear, versus what you NEED, I'd be a bad guy! With this being sad, if a guy is actually, "In To You," there won't be much a female has to ask for, because 9/10, the guy has already thought of her, and is in the process of bringing a smile to her face, by being thoughtful. But, PLEASE, don't ask for things, very unattractive sometimes, especially early in the game...and also, an fyi...Once u give up them cookies, consider Duncan Hines moving on to a new baked good! That's girls' main bargaining chip, not meaning to be crass, but that's pretty much what it is, especially when women are seeking relationship, and not just a J.O. I could go on, but these helpful hints should shed some further light on this particular subject.

* The WordSmith said ... **

"I always wish I woulda cared more/That's my only feeling inside whenever I get a song done/ I'm scared that every girl I cared for/ will find a better man/ and end up happier in the long run" -Drizzy "Missin You (RMX)

(Bare with me as this is a stream of conscience thought) A proper foundation of trust is KEY to a healthy & happy relationship. I completely agree with Ye'. Although it's not as cut and dry as women being "dependent" on a man to provide happiness, (Although I'd truly love to put it all on you wimmens) it is about reciprocity. First, all parties should be ready to enter a relationship when it begins. Too often I think women (some thirsty ass niggaz too) try to rush into a relationship before they have themselves right or force and/or coerce the other party into one. A relationship is WORK. Folks think that shit is glamorous and all about spoonin' and smilin'. Granted that's the sunny side, the cloudy days of a relationship is enough to make you want to be exiled to a far corner of the Earth. Second, people need to seriously consider what they can FORGIVE (i.e. GET OVER THAT SHIT). When you truly forgive someone, you cannot hold them accountable for shit that they may have done before. No one can continually make up for past transgressions. It's just not possible. If your man/woman cheats on you, and you say "I forgive you. We can work it out", then you must hold yourself accountable for not being a "Paranoid" "Robocop". If you can't forgive and TRUST again, then the essentially fabric of a relationship is torn and unable to be mended. That's like you walking around with a run in your pantyhose (Yes, pantyhose). Personally, I feel like most men don't care until it's too late or you simply just don't realize the good thing you had until its slippin through your fingers like loose sand. My boi and I were having a conversation about 808s & Heartbreak and the best way to sum up that album is "I get it". Not that he speaks for every man and granted every situation is different, but that album is real talk.

*yo papas said ...**

I don't think women are too dependent on their man to provide the happiness in a relationship, but I think women are too quick to blame the man for why their unhappy instead of taking a good look at themselves.

All men care about is making their women happy, and I think men care about that a lot more than women would like to give them credit for.

Rich or poor men are raised to be a provider in all things life, including a woman's happiness. I'm sure even a woman who is happy with her man can get annoyed at how many people automatically assume the reason why she's unahppy is because some shit her man did.

But, in a girl's defense, men are often too quick to assume they can be all things to their woman. Sometimes your love just isn't going to be enough to get her out of her funk. Sometimes it goes beyond us, and when it does, we just have to tell her that we're there for her and we will support her unconditionally.

I just want to know that it's not my fault the woman is unhappy, but that is automatically my first assumption whenever she's unhappy.

I mean, it's just me and her in a relationship and if the relationship is what she's unhappy with, who else can I blame?

A man must be, at all times, proactive in making sure the relationship is straight. But complain too much, and he gets frustrated, which is why you hear a lot of those songs from male artists about how a woman should just leave if she's that unhappy. Women don't ever tell a man to just leave if he's unhappy, even if the reason for his unhapiness is because he can never make her happy.

That's a gross generalization, but in my experiences that's what it has been.