What Men Want ...

Remember that movie "What Women Want," with Mel Gibson?

Yeah, that one.

I suppose the movie folks would have considered making a version called "What Men Want," but it's likely they opted not to, considering that the flick would be all of three minutes long, including credits.

Perhaps just a single scene posted to YouTube featuring a g-string clad video girl balancing a plate of boneless buffalo wings, three cold Heineken bottles and a pair of earplugs on her booty, so as to represent the three necessities required by all heterosexual men:

SEX x FOOD x SILENCE

Sounds simple enough. Perhaps even too simple for me. Being the type of chick I am (never satisfied with simple equations), I asked a couple of the Man Panelists WHAT ELSE should be added to the list.

The Tall, Sexy, Southern Gentleman of the panel (better?) wanted to clarify that it's not just about food, sex and silence ... it's about "GREAT food, sex and silence." And in a surprisingly mushy twist, added, " ... most of all we need you to be our lover and friend. If you can't hang with me and my people, it will never work."

And while those items made me appreciate the tender side of the man species, I decided to ask a few other folks ... and here's a list of what I drummed up:

_ "We need women who complement our egos. notice, not compliment."

_ "Just support, sex, food and silence."

_ "We need a woman to take care of us when we're sick."

_ "I personally need a woman that can hold an intelligent conversation on something other than shoes and shopping or Desperate Housewives."

_ "We need a girl who will stroke our ego when shit's going wrong, and cut us down a peg when our heads get too big."

_ "Sexual compatibility is a must. She doesn't have to do everything you want her to, but if you're into totally different things, it ain't gonna work."

_ "She's gotta be responsive. Sex with someone who doesn't pick up on keys in bed or --just as bad-- doesn't signal at all what they want and expect romantic drama movie scene sex is just deluding themselves. And they tend to be clumsy."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Who cares? It's the summertime. Nobody's looking for a boo! So split that Heinekin and plate of wings with your homeboy, shut up and enjoy the weather. ;)

You Hurt My Feelings The Most!

[If my blog persona had a best guy friend, then he'd be [blacksmith] Wordsmith. True, some of the stuff wordsmith says makes me want to punch him with the might of 10,000 women, but hey, that's only because most of the time there's more than a grain of truth in even the most controversial of his statements. -- Check out this joint from blacksmithwordsmith.blogspot.com about men and emoting, then holler back.]


Despite the title, this entry contains no bitchassness, just the truth. Let me start by saying, I hate feelings [oddly enough, "hate" is a feeling]. I view them as an impediment to clear & logical thought. So, emotions : mind as lisp : speech, in my male opinion. The difficulty lies in the old parental proverb "You can think whatever you want, just watch what comes out of your mouth". Of course, the parentals are usually referring to something disrespectful that teenagers mumble under their breath that warrants a jab to the chest or an object thrown blindly in their direction. In the case of us men though too much emoting is likened to estrogen, which is a direct insult to your manhood. It is taboo to cry unless someone has died or you have suffered blunt force trauma to your testicles. I realize I have omitted some other instances worthy of tears, but the point is unless you are a cry baby (or a woman), tears usually signify you are serious. The tricky part, however, is self-expression.

Females have endless avenues of self-expression because it's a known fact that they emote like Whitney Houston sweats. Men have to exercise a surgical precision when stating what's on their mind. If you say too much, you are being extra. If you sugar-coat it, you are bullshitting. If you yell, you are being crazy. So words must be chosen wisely and tact must be exercised when you speak on a matter. There is increased difficulty when you are discussing matters of the heart. First, let me state for the record that we do have feelings & shit (I added "& shit" b/c without it that statement sounded rather effeminate) . Second, I just wanted to take a quick tally of how many women feel this way:

"I must admit I dont give men credit. I always assume them to be super sexualized beast"
-Female Friend

If you raised your hand in agreement, please slap the woman next to you who had her hand up and vice versa. YEAH! (C) Pastor Troy. It's that assumption that causes the sensible woman (not the scallywag) to immediately have her guard up when she begins dealing with a guy. I mean, we want the cakes, but we're interested in you too... sike. Naw, Naw, seriously, don't assume that's ALL a man wants from you until you discuss it. If the nigga says one thing but ends up lying in the end, well... he's a super sexualized beast and you just lost one. It's OK. But, back to the feelings.

Women operate in the land of emotion. You are taught to embrace them and utilize them to make your judgements (re: female intuition). When men enter that zone, it's unfamiliar territory. And the deeper you get into this parallel universe of feelings (& shit), the more confusing it becomes. Now even if you've been in love before, it's always a challenge when you realize that once again you have given someone the power to play puppeteer with your heart strings. I've said before that communication is essential in a healthy relationship. Well,

feelings + communication = discussion * feelings = heated debate
heated debate* feelings = dumb argument

You see what feelings do to the equation?

Even the most logical man and sensible woman can end up in CB/RiRi interaction (worst case scenario) based on feelings. But the man faces the greatest challenge in remaining calm yet aggressive, direct yet delicate, and a host of other oxymorons. I mean sure, we could say exactly how we feel but that would end up in one of two scenarios 1) man soundin' like a lil bitch or 2) man hurtin' woman's feelings and makin her cry. Double standards are sometimes necessary and in this case, yes, a man should receive just a lil bit more credit for expressing himself than a woman. (Don't blame me, blame society). At times, self-expression is a tight rope walk. You have to find that balance between being eloquent and emoting.

Wanna know why he didn't call?

Before there was the Man Panel, there was just James. My older brother, who was once quite the connoisseur of ladies, blessed me with a myriad relationship axioms and advice about dating. Most of it made me suspicious of the male species in general, but now that even Jay has become quite the one-lady fella, I've begun to think that perhaps relationships aren't all minefields. (Perhaps.)

Anyway, I yanked Jay-Jay up for a little chit-chat the last time I was home. We chopped it up about guys who don't call, what to do when a cat says he likes you, and a bunch of other randomness.

Check out the video up top if you haven't already. And as always, keep the comments questions coming.

Love,

n.harlem ;)

Jesus' Niece

She's uber-intelligent. Beautiful inside and out. In fact, she's no stranger to a photoshoot. She's funny. She can cook a mean lasagna. Oh, and she'll be entering the seminary in the fall.

Yes, the latest homeboysaid question-raiser is a super dope chick. But when it comes to the fellas, she wonders if working for the Big Guy scares average Joes away. I suggested she let me query the Man Panel. Here's what they had to say:

WOULD YOU DATE A CHICK WHO WAS A MINISTER, or studying to be? Would you think twice about hollering at a chick who works for Jesus? Are you creeped out by the idea of putting the moves on somebody deeply involved in the church -- whether it's as a minister, or otherwise?

My DC friend pleaded the Fifth.

the GO GETTA said:

Is she close minded? Do I have to be the same religious affiliation as her? No, it does not creep me out on putting the moves on somebody deeply involved in the church, but I probably wouldn't because I'm assuming she will be close minded about certain things and we would probably butt heads. But I do like that she has goals and a dream.

KILLER CAL said:

"I'd have to pass on Rev. Fat Booty. I do some things the the church may or may not agree with. And if we got together and she didn't frown on them, i'd think she's faking the religious funk.

Plus, I dont give up football on Sundays for anyone."

PAUL WALL responded yes, but his answer was not what I was expecting. He said:

Would I date a minister? -- Of course. -- Preachers, ministers, and pastors are all people too. In fact, one of the freakiest girls I ever dealt with was in seminary school. But the thing is that I don't think it would ever go anywhere. I mean I would never wife her or make her my girl, but we could kick it and whatnot. Preachers are John Legends - "ordinary people".

THE KID, said:

"Absolutely NOT...I'd feel very awkward in bringin up sex, or things that go on during that time. And the little, but crucial aspects of it...haha, so I've heard...lol, like slappin a girls a**, hearin her talk s***, would be VERY VERY WEIRD!!!...Anytime I'd smack her a** or something like that...or hear her tell me where to bust...would feel like I'm committing one of the WORST ACTS IN LIFE!!! ..."

All-En1 (your favorite female minister/homegirl/big girl's favorite dj) chimed in:

Unfortunately I would not date a female in the church as a profession. Not because she's a minister, but because of my personal thoughts of "the church." I wouldn't want to have that talk every day and her trying to convince me every day to come to work with her.

Plus, I don't want to be the guy to get it on in the pulpit in some
wild fantasy. On the other hand ...

And while the NSFW responses made me chuckle, I began to think that perhaps, the Man Panel was more homogeneous than I'd previously realized. Sure, my guys represent a myriad occupations, backgrounds, ages and so on, but perhaps I was dipping in one area of the spiritual-devotion pool. That's when I had to go affirmative action on your be-hinds, and call directly upon THE GOOD REV., who broke my question down and said this:

1. WOULD YOU DATE A CHICK WHO WAS A MINISTER, or studying to be?

I would, and as a minister myself I often wish I had someone who actually cared (or was more invested) in the stuff that occupies most of my time. The tough part about being or dating a minister is that most folks don't understand the amount of time this job occupies. True, it is a job, but you shouldn't think of it like that. It's a lifestyle that makes it tough to balance a personal life. Ministers ALMOST always screw up dating.

Would you think twice about hollering at a chick who works for Jesus?

Because most "Jesus-workers" don't know how to do anything else (that is, have a personal life), I would definitely think twice before kicking something off. But not because she's a minister. Anytime a woman shows DEVOTION to anything, I'm kinda turned on. But she has to be able to show me she has a life outside of church, or every date is gonna feel like she's converting me.

Are you creeped out by the idea of putting the moves on somebody deeply involved in the church -- whether it's as a minister, or otherwise?

Tough question. We're human, you know? And I've learned that most ministers (including myself) or folks who are deeply religious also have a lot of sexual energy pinned up as a result of their higher devotion. If she shows me that she's comfortable with her sexuality then I would certainly make a move...AT SOME POINT lol. If you can't negotiate your faith with a kiss or some "grinding" (a la 8th grade), chances are you're too uncomfortable with your "nature" to engage mine. If I'm into you we will need to touch at some point.

And last but not least, a wonderfully articulate (and backed-up-by-personal-experience) answer from a guy who I'll call MR. THOUGHTFUL:

From my perspective, some men would marry a female minister, but not many. Below are a couple reasons I believe this is true.

First, without considering gender, any person who marries a minister should be serious about their faith. If the person is not serious about their faith - not being overly religious, but committed to keeping God as the central focus of their relationship - they probably won’t/shouldn’t marry a minister. If they do, there is the possibility they may become resentful of the marriage and/or God. When you consider this factor, your number of eligible men decreases.

Second, when considering gender, a man who marries a female minister has to be secure in who he is. In formal ministry, the partner (usually a woman) can be seen as secondary to the minister. This may put uncomfortable pressure on a man who is accustomed to leading or being seen as the authority on matters. This problem is more a symptom of sexism in our society than anything else. Many men today feel being with a strong woman diminishes them in some way. A strong woman who is devoted to God is not an attack on manhood, it is a celebration of God-hood. It demonstrates that God is in us all. Any man who is secure in his significance should not be threatened by this, but they should encourage it. A strong spouse usually is an indicator of… another strong spouse. Having a woman in authority (not just a minister, but a judge, doctor, supervisor, principal, etc.) says a lot about the man who married her. It says he is secure and confident enough to support his woman’s profession in a society that says she should only be supporting his. When you combine this factor with the first, your number of eligible men decreases even further.


Finally, as a minister with a wife who married a minister (duh), I believe marrying someone called by God says a lot more about the spouse than the minister. It takes a person of true humility, self-confidence, and honesty to stand with their mate in ministry. Ministers sometimes get placed ahead of the spouse, but this is wrong. The greatest gift one can give to mankind is to be a servant. The greatest servant there likely will ever be is a spouse (ask anyone married). Serving in a marriage is not a job, it’s a calling and much like a minister, everyone is not called to it (or called to it with you). In this case, there are few men called to do this, but be sure that those who you are considering are serious about their faith and secure in their manhood.

My prayers are with you as you continue to serve God and love others.

Questions for Friday

Hey, guys! I know this blog needs a Fiber Plus pill, because, YES, I agree, the posts are highly irregular. But just to tide you over until I post new material on Friday, I'll let you get a sneak peak at the questions for the week.

And you can answer em, or ask your own (I'll have the Man Panel answer for the next-go-round) down in the comments section.

So, yeah, here goes --

1. WOULD YOU DATE A CHICK WHO WAS A MINISTER, or studying to be? Would you think twice about hollering at a chick who works for Jesus, or is deeply involved in the church?

2. A "DUDE SAYS HE 'LIKES YOU,' then you say you like him, and then he
never calls." WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

3. DO CURVY GIRLS' MILKSHAKES BRING YOU TO THE YARD?

The Man Panel answers these questions, and more ... FRIDAY!

Panty Probation

For various reasons (including self-righteousness), I've been avoiding self-help books of the romantic nature for the past couple months, which means I have no appetite for devouring Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man." I have, however, been indulging in all the Oprah x Steve madness ... at least enough to have zeroed in on the Ninety-Day Rule, or the "Three Month Rule" if you're one of those "Girlfriends" fans, like me, who got slighted out of a final episode. (What the fudge, pepper?! Why?!)

For those of you who are too cool to be hip to Steve or Joan, then lemme break it down to you. Steve's philosophy is that, if even the new employees at Ford Motor Company have to wait 90 days before they receive dental and medical insurance, then it's only fitting that a brotha who's jockeying for a position on the two-player team that is coupledom (or something like it) with you, then he, too, should have to wait at least the same amount of time before you break him off the ... ahem ... benefits.

Now, to keep it all the way funky, giving up the drawers is your business. As long as you're content with your panties-related decision-making, then I say "RIGHT ON!" whether you give up the skivvies in less than a day, or if you wait until the Wedding Day to do it.

This is simply a chance to chat it up with the menz. Because, as you may already know -- booty brings all the boys to the yard. And on the other hand, questions about NOT getting booty has 'em running to the green with equal fervor.

Here's what the Man Panel had to say about the Ninety-Day Rule.



Like I said in the video post, "Mr. Paul Wall" basically said, to hell with the Ninety-Day rule. In fact, he directed me to his blog post which answers the question, "Can I give it up on the first date?" Here's what he had to say:

It’s the timeless question that everyone woman ponders when she has a great first date. And the answer to that question is yes, YES U CAN!

But, you have to do it a certain way, that’s if you actually like the guy and want this to go some where. So let me break it down to you.

Ladies, in order for you to give up the cookies on the first date it has to be what I call the “Love Jones” date. Remember how Darius Lovehall and Nina Jones were just suppose to go out, then they wind up going dancing, then the goodnight kiss turn into the Maxwell being played as they bumped bellies?

The reason it worked is because there was a mutual attraction, a spark, and passion. It wasn’t about getting one off and dipping in the morning, the man made her an omelet the next day (and you know Negroes don’t cook). So ladies, if that man is saying and doing all the right things on the first night and you know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s genuine, go ahead and let your hair down. And please remember Mr. Benjamin Andre’s words from up above.

Wanna read the rest? Click here,but come back soon, ya hear?!

And here's what Mr. Wall thought about the "Wedding-Day Rule" (waiting until after the wedding reception to rock his lady's bell):

No I couldn't wait. Call me shallow, call me a bitch ass nigga, call me WRONG, a heathen or whatever you want to call me, but no I couldn't wait until my wedding night. I'm sorry, I know its wrong. But, I'm also man enough to let you know that sex is too important to me to lie to you and get your hopes up. Shit, I'm not even going to boo another girl up unless she's a half nympo.

I also posed the question to my DC buddy. He's the man panel's only biracial libertarian. Here's what he had to say about sex on the first date:

Well, let's see. First off, it depends on the circumstances of the "first date." Bar hookups? No. Those are doomed from the minute clothes are removed. I have tried to make it work with girls who, er, did me a favor the first time I met them? Bad idea. The one girl had, by the age of 20, racked up Clerks-type (audio NSFW) numbers for going down on guys. This is not healthy, and indictative of an unstable individual. That said, you'd be surprised how many fights can be resolved by a girl who likes to do that. So yeah. Genital contact first day you meet? Hell no. I'm perfectly fine with it, but a healthy relationship is not coming out of it. As long as you go into it knowing that, go for it.

Now, if the first date is with a co-worker, friend, or other person with whom you've had considerable social contact? Then it's ok, because you're not hooking-up with a stranger. Sure, you may not know them that well, but there has been time for there to develop sexual tension for both of you to notice and want to act on. This is dangerous, of course, because you could be torpedoing friendship(s), but needs/desires are a mother and you want to be friends with the person you end up with, right? So this--especially in the age of urban dating--has become my standard dating ritual. (not necessarily on the first date, mind you, but a non-traditional date format). Living in a city, you often find yourself in a group of friends, hanging out doing the same things, showing up at the same events in mixed company, so people hit it off, grab drinks, and then BOOM. hookup. Most of my friends in relationships in my current city developed along this or a similar narrative.

I have tried dating the girl who says she's waiting til marriage--somewhat recently even--because there was an automatic "click" there and I hadn't been giving "nice girls" a chance in recent years. She was open to some things, but I'm a little long in the tooth to be teaching a girl like she was in high school again and it was apparent early-on that she could never be "the one," so even if I got her to the point that she would change her "plan"--which I can say with all due humility I think I could have convinced her to do if I wanted to--it would ultimately be inviting her heartbreak, so I ended it.

There was one girl who made me wait awhile, and I had ended it for other reasons before we got to that point. But we ended up at a party together and I went home with her and we started seeing each other again. She was accepted to law school, and just before she left the city, she finally wanted to do it. I wish we would have had more time, because we never got a chance to get better together.

But that's another story for another time. Nutshell: Yes, you can get a good man if you make him wait a bit, but at your peril. No, you can't get a man by giving it up the first night you meet him. But no, there are no hard and fast rules for when it's ok.

My personal expectation is 3rd date: but I rarely get digits at bars and thus I'm usually "in there" in two since I know her already.

Man, I sound like a ho.

WORDSMITH's Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. V - Ode to the Sensible

[He's a financial analyst with advertising aspirations in Atlanta, AND he's a Morehouse Man. And though you can't take him home to your mama, you can at least check out his blog after you read a re-print of his work right here. The Black Smith [Wordsmith] will change your life with all his southern fried, gourmet word goodness. Enjoy!]




In our quest to enlighten the sensible woman and the scallywag, my colleague and I had the realization that we may have fallen short in countering the negatives with the positives. That’s not cool. Lo Siento. We want to enlighten, inspire, and invigorate the wimmens. So in order to write our wrongs, we decided to dedicate this installment to the Sensible Sexy women of the world. We know Ne-Yo is currently smitten over Miss Independent, but we’ll take Queen Sensible any day of the week. This one is for the breezy* and not the smeezie*.

Cheers 2 U Sensible Sexy Woman:

* Your bra and panties ALWAYS match. And even if it’s not the same set per se, the color schemes are on point. With you, I’m pleased with what you wear in the streets and it’s a treat to see what you got on underneath. [AY! OK! © OJ da Juiceman]
* You can create edible elation with whatever I have in my cabinets, something like a culinary MacGyver. I got bread, cheese, and salsa, and somehow come back with a Ribeye and Crab Oscar
* You have a workout routine for your health and not just to look good for the summer. After a hard workout, you maintain an agreeable glow and somehow you don’t smell like you just ran with a pack of animals.
* Although your dumb ass friends are consistently in your ear, you manage to separate real from fake and don’t let them pollute your mind. Don’t save them, they DO NOT want be saved!
* You embrace and react appropriately to PDA, but don’t feel compelled to relentlessly initiate it.
* You know what it feels like for your feet to hurt, not because you sacrificed practicality for style, but because you've been up all day on your grind. More importantly, you still pass Marcus Graham’s patented foot test! [If you haven’t seen Boomerang, kill yo self]
* You have mastered the subtleties of PDA i.e. the ear nibble, the whisper, the wink, and the lip bite so in the presence of company I can read your mind, I know what you’re thinking…and it’s alright with me (c) Avant
* You may not be in the mood that night [lawry’s] BUT you wake a brother up to early morning hot cakes the next day. Good Mooooornnnninnngggg © John Legend
* When you come over for the holidays you arrive bearing gifts and you leave with a to-go plate that was offered to you.
* You have mastered the art of mature sexy; tailored pants suit CHECK, mean heel game CHECK, dressed appropriately for the weather CHECK
* You keep arguments and discontent for the privacy of home quarters. You & drama aren’t acquaintances and damn sure ain't friends.
* You can be content with sitting home some evenings while reading a good book that elevates the mind and soul. You have no regrets about missing the club...but you will pick your girl up after she has managed to drink her weight in champagne and Patron all because "He (Trapstar, Entertainer, Baller, Random Trickin' Ass nigga) was buying".
* And most importantly…
You know that a grilled cheese is made best with 2 slices of American cheese, slightly blackened & complimented with a side of tomato bisque.

*Breezy [Bree-zee] - A woman of exceptional beauty who possesses most qualities a man is looking for; Derived from her pleasant nature which is comforting as a “warm breeze”
*Smeezie [Smee-zee] - A combination of smut and sleezy; Fellatious woman; femininus scallywageth